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My ex-husband was temperamental: 90% temper and 10% mental.

To some its a six-pack, to me its a support group.

Body by Nautilus...brain by Mattel.

Hard work is its own reward, but wouldn't you rather have the money?

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If I can be of any help, you're in worse shape than I thought.

A bad habit never disappears miraculously; it's an undo-it-yourself project.

For Sale: Nordic Track, hardly used, call 555-1234, ask for Chubby.

NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, coughing, why-oh-why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

Bad spellers of the world untie!

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

I worry that the person who thought up Rap may be thinking up something else.

Sex is nobody's business except for the three people involved.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Some days it feels like the whole world is a tuxedo and I'm a pair of brown shoes.

Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!.

Last night, the sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

Travel is very educational. I can now ask for Kaopectate in seven different languages.

You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

I clean my house every other day. Today is the other day.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

I toss and turn for hours until I realize that making a salad isn't going to relax me.

She likes to be a bitch so much that it pisses her off when her period ends.

I bought a new boomerang but I can't seem to throw the old one away.

She's so cheap, she got a part time boob job.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

We shouldn't expect educators to be entertaining, or entertainmeners to be educational.

I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive was in it.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the Hell happened!

I got a postcard from a blonde friend of mine. It said, Having a good time. Where am I?

My Dad was a workaholic. Everytime someone mentioned work, he got drunk.

Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills...making the last car payment.

There are easier things in life than finding a good man... like nailing Jello to a tree, for instance.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

For Sale: 1 Man, 7 woman hot tub, call 555-2583

When all men think alike, no one thinks very much.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

If you do something you'll regret in the morning, SLEEP TILL NOON!

I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me send money.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

Golf is a lot like sex. You don't have to be good at it to enjoy it.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.

We wanted a house that looked lived in, so we bought all our furniture from the YMCA.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.

Being paranoid means never having to think that you're alone.

The shortest distance between two points is always under construction.

The only reason I take my wife anywhere is so I don't have to kiss her goodbye.

The difference between a blonde and a tree is, the tree knows when it's being cut down.

Shoot for the moon...even if you miss, you will land among the stars.

The difference between earning a good living and living a good life, is enjoying what you do.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disabled teachers.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.

Speaking your mind isn't the same thing as using it.

A movie critic is like a legless man who teaches running.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horsebackriding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.

An Appendix is something found in the back of a book. Sometimes they get inside people and have to be taken out.

Palindromes date all the way back to Eve.

If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day?

Try a little kindness. As little as possible.

Just remember...You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

Ask not what your country can do for you, but how much it's going to cost for them to do it.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

The bridges you cross before you come to them are over rivers that aren't there.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough

I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.

If you are living on the edge, make sure you are wearing your seatbelt.

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

JESUS LOVES YOU.....Everyone else thinks you're a twit.

When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

I think I am getting to that awkward age. Too young for Medicare and too old for men to care.

I think I'm having amnesia and deja vu too. I'm sure that I've forgotten all this before.

My ex-wife's other car is a broom.

If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

The purpose of life is a life of purpose.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, I was a suspect.

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.

Home is a place where part of the family waits 'til the rest of the family brings the car back.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

Life is a test and I didn't take very good notes.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Marriage is like the army. Everybody complains, but you'd be surprised at how many re-enlist.

The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you...

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children cope with teenagers of their own.

People will follow your footsteps more readily than they will follow you advice.

The right angle from which to approach any problem is the TRY-angle.

How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

My family knows how dangerous my cooking is. Why else would grace last 45 minutes?

The best exercise: reach down and pull somebody up.

The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Microsoft is to software what McDonalds is to gourmet cooking.

Money can't buy happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.

My parents were so poor, they got married for the rice.

Never argue with an idiot - folks might not be able to tell the difference.

Sterility is not hereditary.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Rugby is a game played by gentlemen with odd shaped balls.

I believe in safe sex...I've got a handrail around the bed.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Luck always seems to be against the person who depends on it.

A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.

He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

The difference between champ and chump is U.

A mistake is simply another way of doing things.

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is sorta neat though.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

Among the footprints in the sands of time, make sure yours aren't not the mark of a heel.

A speech is like a bicycle wheel -- the longer the spoke, the greater the tire.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Did you hear about the midget that overdosed on Viagra? He's a little stiff now.

I think I might be getting over my insomnia. The other day my foot fell asleep.

I've got it made. I've got a wife and a TV set...and they're both working.

We put the fun in dysfunctional.

There's a strange thing about memory... Damned if I can remember what it is.

Sign in a Pet Store: Buy one, get one flea.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take chances?

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you exercise.

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

There's a big difference between good sound reasons, and reasons that sound good.

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

A fool and his money are my best friends

Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome and natural things that money can buy.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

I never turn my back on my friends, I don't trust them that much.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

She's so skinny...I've seen more meat on a cheeze sandwich.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.

Pandemonium doesn't reign here pours.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Men's brains are like the prison system... not enough cells per man.

Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.

If obstacles get in your way, do as the wind does...whistle and go around them.

If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.

I misplaced my dictionary, now I'm at a loss for words.

The difference between Niagara and Viagra is that Niagara Falls.

The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.

I graduated with a 4.0... Blood Alcohol level.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

AOL reminds me of an old girlfriend. Just when I think the connection has been established, it suddenly says, Goodbye.

A pessimist is a man who feels that all women are bad. An optimist hopes so.

I gave up on computing dating after I was stood up by two mainframes, a PC, and a laptop.

There are two reasons why some folks don't mind their own business. No mind, No business.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.

The best measure of someone's honesty is the zero adjust on their bathroom scale.

Men are like TV Commericals...You can't believe a word they say.

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Money is the root of all wealth.

Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Every four seconds a woman has a baby. We must find this woman and stop her.

Love is grand. Divorce is ten grand.

I can't cut the mustard, but I can still lick the jar.

Never test for an error you don't know how to handle.

A fool and his money is soon elected.

Diarrhea is runs in your jeans.

If there was a tax on sex, I'd be getting a hefty refund check.

It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach...especially if it belongs to your partner.

To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.

You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

I feel like a 20-year-old. But there's never one around.

If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.

There is a tax on sex... it's called 'children'.

The only people who appreciate change are wet babies.

Beauty is only skin deep and the world is full of thin skinned people.

If God had intended for me to run around naked, he would have made my skin fit better.

Have you ever noticed that if you're wearing tight shoes, you forget all about your problems?

Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles.

Every man needs a wife, because many things go wrong that he can't blame on the government.

Real women don't have hot flashes... they have power surges.

Men are like vacations...They never seem to last long enough.

In parts of the world, people still pray in the streets. In this country they're called pedestrians.

Middle age is that difficult period between adolescence and retirement when you have to take care of yourself.

A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.

I've tried all season to put my thumb on it, but perhaps the problem is bigger than my thumb.

If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either.

I too, got too big for my britches, so I bought bigger britches.

Keep America beautiful...properly dispose of your lawyer.

If you want the last word in an argument, say, "You're right."

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off of it.

I've wanted to run away from home more since I became a parent than when I was a child.

Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Buy your lottery tickets the day after the drawing for half price. You have just as much chance of winning.

I've decided to take a wife...I just haven't decided whose yet.

Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world... it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.

We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid...until she closed her curtains.

Miss Piggy's last words, I'm pink, therefore I'm ham.

Always believe a woman when she says: "You don't want to know."

Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.

Some people kiss with their eyes closed. Too bad they marry the same way.

When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.

Don't compromise yourself, you're all you've got.

When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

After Mama gave birth to 12 of us kids, we put her up on a pedestal. It was mostly to keep Daddy away from her.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!

It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents...and the second half by our children.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have one.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

It's not pretty being easy.

Smoking helps you lose lung at a time.

Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease.

If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation.

Not many people realize just how well known I am.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.

The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.

An abstainer is a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

A job is nice but it interferes with my life.

I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

Love is a fire. Whether it will warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.

Every teen-ager should get a high school education ... even if they already know everything

Some things that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs $10 just to repair.

I live the same as I type: Fast and with lots of mistakes.

All the problems we face in North America today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

Did any of you married people out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?

Did you hear about the blonde that tried to steal a police car? She saw 911 on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

My mother-in-law is very well informed. She can complain on any subject!

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity

Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.

Notice on a conference-room door: Self-Assertiveness Course. Please Barge In.

If you want your children to listen to you, try talking softly to someone else.

It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men.

Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Whoever said the hand is quicker than the eye obviously never tried rolling them down a ramp.

Have you seen the new home surgery kit available via mail order? It's called Suture Self.

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Everybody is ignorant... just on different subjects.

People tell me I'm childish but I think they're just being poopyheads.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

The best way to get rid of a telemarketer is to ask them what they are wearing.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

A computer will always do what you tell it to do ... but rarely what you want to do.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Why is one the loneliest number?
I've found that you can clear out a room even faster with a well-placed number two.

Youth is stranger than fiction

If feel great! And I kiss pretty good, too!

On the internet nothing is illegal, its all e-legal...

Ever wonder what they call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

April showers bring May flowers, and Mayflowers bring Pilgrims.

The definition of henpecked. : A sterile husband afraid to tell his pregnant wife.

I keep adjusting the brightness control on my TV, but it's still as stupid as ever.

I told the guy at the auto-parts store I wanted a windshield wiper for my Yugo. He said, That sounds like a fair trade.

If my computer performs one more illegal operation, I'm going to report it to the authorities.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it.

My Ex-wife's parents told her she could be anything she wanted to be. So she became a bitch.

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.

Enough is enough...unless of course you're a nymphomaniac!

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy afternoon.

I may have a vacuum between my ears, but a least it's better than nothing.

You're not a complete idiot... there are still some parts missing!

If winning isn't important then why keep score?

Life sucks, but Death swallows!

You can't go wrong with me... but you're welcome to try.

I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice.

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

Old is when the porn movie you bring home is Debby Does Dialysis.

The box said 'Requires Windows 98, or better.' So I bought a Macintosh.

Views expressed by husbands are not necessarily those of the management.

All men are different, but husbands are all alike

I'm not saying my wife is a terrible cook, but our garbage disposal has developed an ulcer.

Being a husband is like any other job. It helps a lot if you like the boss.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

I'm only attending school until it becomes available on CD-ROM.

When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.

90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at .

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

After our last argument, my wife told me: I hope your next wife appreciates the improvements I've made in you.

Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.

May the roof above us never fall in and the friends below never fall out.

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.

I just read that Prozac is no longer the number one selling anti-depressant drug. That makes me feel sad.

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King.

Did you hear about the new 'morning after' pill for men ? It changes their blood type.

The Formula for a Happy Marriage: It's the same as the one for living in California: When you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

There are two kinds of people. Those who finish what they start and so on.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be President and anyone who doesn't grow up can be Vice President.

There are people in this world who do not love their fellow man... I hate people like that !

There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may never piss this way again."

When your IQ hits 80, sell.

There is nothing more uncommon than common sense.

If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the other chin.

My wife complained about not being wanted, so I went to the post office and put up her picture.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

I told my date that she was like a fine wine...and I am like a corkscrew.

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

Have you heard about the new web site for people with dyslexia ? It's com.dyslexia.www.

My wife is do dumb...she thinks mutual orgasm is an insurance company.

Anatomy is something everyone has, it just looks better on a girl.

I stopped at two gas stations today. I robbed the first one so I could pay the second.

My wife could have had any man she pleased...she just couldn't please any of them.

I'm the head of the household, but my wife is the neck...and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move.

Some folks talk about killing time, while time is quietly killing them.

I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.

I hate graffiti. In fact, I hate all Italian food.

Men... you can't live with them, you can't have hetrosexual sex without them.

In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates?

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

I'm a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie doll world.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

Many women who think they have purchased a dress for a ridiculous price, have actually bought it for an absurd figure.

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

Celibacy is not hereditary.

If it's not going according to plan, maybe there never was a plan.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

It isn't that life is short. It's that death is so long.

I try to sell insurance to every telemarketer that calls me.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

Take my advice. I'm not using it!

Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon.

The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

A diplomat is a person who thinks twice before he says nothing.

My wife's version of money laundering is cleaning out my pockets every night while I am asleep.

My attention isn't hard to get. But it *is* hard to keep...

Everyone in the office is sick. Apparently, it is a staff infection.

If life gives you llamas, make llamanade.

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered ?

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

Love doesn't make the world go 'round, but it does make the ride worthwhile.

Nature invented sex as a reward for letting go of childhood.

Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40.

I believe that dust protects furniture.

Diplomacy is letting someone else have your way.

People are like tea bags. They don't realize their strength until they are in hot water.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Getting to work on time only makes the day longer.

Boldly Going Nowhere

Don't Be Sexist. Broads hate that.

If all brides are beautiful, where do ugly wives come from?

Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away.

A happily married man is one who understands every word which his wife didn't say.

A penny saved is a Governmental oversight.

10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo.

Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide - Your absence.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

There's no sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

If at first you don't succeed, you must be using Windows.

The only time Success comes before Work is in the dictionary.

New and Improved TIDE now has LSD. In each box, you get a trip to the laundromat.

Even rarer than a doctor who can't stand the sight of blood is a lawyer who can't stand the sight of money.

Did you hear about the blonde that thought an innuendo is an Italian suppository ?

The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator.

'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.

God gave men muscles because he gave women strength.

The best person for a job is generally the one that understands it enough to not want it.

Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who's totally free for the weekend.

Nostalgia is a device that removes the ruts and the potholes from Memory Lane.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I drove my wife to the airport.

The golden years: When actions creak louder than words.

There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years or so won't cure.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Politicians can be dangerous to your wealth.

The closest thing he had to a brainstorm was a slow drizzle.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

Everyone believes in heredity until their children act like fools.

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called ?

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong, and she agrees with me.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Lots of men are homeless, but some are home less than others.

Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.

I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity...I just can't put it down.

I'm so old that when I was in school, history was called current affairs.

Practice makes perfeckt.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

Flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.

I think, therefore I'm single.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

Nothing is more wasted than a smile on the face on a Playboy centerfold.

I'm as happily married as a husband can get

Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely.

My new secretary must be absent minded. She left her clothes at the office and took me to the cleaners.

'Tis better to have loved and lost, than marry a woman you can't defrost.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

As smile is a curve that can set things straight.

I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with the lost.

You cannot take charge of the present if you are busy reliving the setbacks of the past.

My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, Mom, go for it!

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

As the Jolly Green Giant could tell you, there's nothing like a good pea.

Some girls get minks the same way minks get minks.

Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

The Ford Motor Company is unveiling a car with a body entirely made of plastic. I believe they're calling it the Cher.

My mind is like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

My husband is always online trying to find useless facts. I'm afraid he is an infomaniac.

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror... with a cop in it.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

In life, you have two choices: get over it or die with it on your mind.

I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

I descended from a very long line that my mother foolishly listened to.

Have you seen the latest Jane Fonda video ? It's called Didn't Work Out.

A smile is like tight makes your cheeks go up.

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Some people are in debt because they spend what their friends think they make.

Life is like a play. It's not its length, but its performance that counts.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

If you're the low man on the totem pole, just remember...if it wasn't for you, the whole damn thing would fall over.

If you are what you eat, I'm dead meat.

Last night our high school band played Beethoven. Beethoven lost, 12 to 7.

Health plans are like hospital gowns...You only think you're covered.

If men had to clean their own bathrooms, we'd already have disposable toilets.

You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can take you to a lot more places to look for it.

A friend told me, he needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Life is sexually transmitted.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

Happiness is not having what you want. It's wanting what you have.

George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing...and then marry him.

It's amazing how your kids stop coming back home once they get their own washer and dryer.

I just want to put onions in your pants and cry myself to sleep

Your child has started growing up when he stops asking you where he came from and starts refusing to tell you where he's going.

You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off!

The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast

Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation raps for years.

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface

At 65, you begin to regret the sins you did not commit.

If two people invest in a boat, is it a partner-ship?

I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life...unless I buy something.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

What do you get when you cross a Collie and a Pitbull? A dog that rips your arm off then goes for help.

What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth!

I always leave an empty milk carton is the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

Did you hear about the two blond thieves that stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint.

When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape.

Don't ever confuse an open mind with one that's vacant.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can sure make your Bed-Rock.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If it's free, it's advice. If you pay for it, it's counseling. If you can use either one, it's a miracle!

Heck is where people go that don't believe in Gosh

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Their marriage was going O.K. until they bought a waterbed...then they started drifting apart.

I washed one sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup ?

I have an intense desire to return to the womb...anybody's.

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

If someone cuts you off in traffic, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

Never buy a Rolex from someone who is out of breath.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

You know you're ugly when a nymphomaniac tells you, Let's just be friends.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

My wife thinks freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere.

It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

A thousand words are worth a picture... and they load faster, too.

If a 9 year old is clever enough to play video games, he's smart enough to run the washing machine....

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

My uncle survived the sinking of the Titanic...he grabbed a bar of soap and washed himself ashore.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Researchers have finally released the ingredients in Viagra: 2% aspirin, 2% ibuprofen, 1% filler, and 95% Fix a Flat

You know it is time to go on a diet when your pager goes off and you can't feel the vibration.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I fought the lawn and the lawn won.

I tried to be all things to all people...I ended up being nobody to everybody.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door one ?

If you want to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a like having a peeing section in a pool.

I just want to put onions in your pants and cry myself to sleep

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Life is like a shower - one wrong move and your in hot water.

The best way to succeed in life is to start from scratch and keep scratching.

Dead owls don't give a hoot.

The hardest thing in life is to do nothing - 'cause you never know when your finished.

Never try to drown your sorrows, especially if she can swim.

You can't plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

There's nothing wrong with having nothing to say - unless you insist on saying it.

No matter how thin you slice it there are always two sides.

Confession is good for the soul...but bad for your career.

I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.

Why do stores always put their slowest clerks in the express lane?

Time is never wasted when you are wasted all the time.

I don't like the new copier I just bought. It says put face down, but every time I do it, it blinds my eyes.

Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.

There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes.

A bachelor is like a modern cleanser: works fast and leaves no ring.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Did you hear about the shopkeeper who was making a fortune selling thong bikinis? They were going for fifty dollars a crack.

I went to school to become a wit, but only got half-way through.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

How do you get a man to do sit ups? Put the TV remote between his toes.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker ?

Some people get AIDS from sex. Clinton got sex from aides.

You can't be late until you show up.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

Why don't they make mouse-flavored cat food?

What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

A chicken coop always has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

I don't eat snails... I prefer fast food!

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

It was all so different before everything changed.

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

If God had wanted us in the army, he would have given us green baggy skin.

You can marry more money in ten minutes than you can earn in a lifetime.

Don't teach your children the value of a dollar. If they find out , they'll ask for two

Women usually sleep on the right side of the bed. Even in their sleep, they have to be right.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

Learn from your parents' mistakes ...use birth control.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

This is a day for firm decisions...or is it ?

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.

It's only hopeless if you walk away.

Since when is talking a sign of thinking?

Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents ?

Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the's cheaper than plastic surgery.

Just plead the Fifth ...or drink it ... either way.

Life without bears would be unbearable.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.

When all else fails, lower your standards.

Cute and interesting are two different things.

Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems?

Life isn't weird; it's the people in it

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.

It was two years ago today I lost my wife. I'll never forget that card game

Impotence is just Nature's way of saying No hard feelings

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut

I'm retired and this is as dressed up as I'm gonna get.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I'm not suddenly a dirty old man... I've been practicing since 1949.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law on a milk carton.

Filthy stinking rich... Well, two out of three ain't bad.

You know you're in a small town when everyone knows whose credit is good and whose wife isn't.

Marriage is like a violin; After the sweet music is over, there are still strings are attached.

How does a high school boy propose? You're going to have a what ?

Beer ~ The reason I get up each afternoon.

I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Never deprive someone of hope; it may be all they have.

Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.

Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.

Make a firm decision can always change it later.

My life has a superb cast...I just can't figure out the plot.

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