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Mr. One-Liner

Thought of the Day

Thought of the Day





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Confucius Say
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Confucius Say
Women who wear low cut blouses will be looked down upon.

Confucius Say
Make your life like a roll of toilet paper, long and useful.

Confucius Say
If a clock gets hungry, it goes back four seconds

Confucius Say
Acupuncture is a jab well done

Confucius Say
Bakers trade recipes on a knead to know basis.

Confucius Say
A man will treat a woman like a princess until she starts to act like one.

Confucius Say
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.

Confucius Say
It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say
Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Confucius Say
A dull pencil is often better than a sharp mind.

Confucius Say
Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner. If she stops sucking, replace the bag.

Confucius Say
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. A few years later you'll want a club and a spade.

Confucius Say
A Lion will not betray his wife.... but a Tiger Wood.

Confucius Say
Women and rocks are very much alike. We skip the flat ones.

Confucius Say
The trouble with square meals is they make you round.

Confucius Say
Man who eats photograph of his Dad is soon spitting image of his father.

Confucius Say
'tis better to sleep with old hen, than pullet.

Confucius Say
The Army is like a blow job. The closer you get to discharge, the better it feels.

Confucius Say
The wise speak when they have something to say. Fools speak when they have to say something.

Confucius Say
Gay Austrailian man will leave his wife and return to Sydney.

Confucius Say
If you worry about yesterday's failures, todays successes will be few.

Confucius Say
Women are like convertables. They're both more fun with their top down.

Confucius Say
Viagra is like Disneyland... a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius Say
A Rubix cube is like a penis. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

Confucius Say
The greatest fault is to be conscious of none.

Confucius Say
He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot.

Confucius Say
A clean tie will attract the soup of the day.

Confucius Say
A Tattoo is permanent proof of temporary insanity.

Confucius Say
A Magazine is a bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

Confucius Say
A Cannibal is person who likes to see other people stewed.

Confucius Say
A Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

Confucius Say
Man with five dicks will have pants that fit like a glove.

Confucius Say
It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.

Confucius Say
To reuse a condom, turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it

Confucius Say
Masturbation is a solo played on a private organ.

Confucius Say
Mother's Day comes nine months after father's day.

Confucius Say
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say
It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you're done.

Confucius Say
Killing two birds with one stone often ends with hate mail from the humane society.

Confucius Say
The best way to save face, is to keep the lower part of it shut.

Confucius Say
To make a long story short, don't tell it.

Confucius Say
Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.

Confucius Say
A giraffe's family reunion is called "necks of kin."

Confucius Say
A man is only as faithful as his options.

Confucius Say
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Confucius Say
Never argue with a fool...he may be doing the same thing.

Confucius Say
The best way to keep your word is not to give it.

Confucius Say
A man's last will and testiment is a dead give away.

Confucius Say
When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Confucius Say
Bad singers break into song because they can't find the key.

Confucius Say
A woman can humiliate any man by simply saying "Hold my purse."

Confucius Say
An Egotist a person more interested in himself than in me.

Confucius Say
When solving problems, dig at the roots instead of hacking at the leaves.

Confucius Say
The best time to go to the dentist is before tooth hurty.

Confucius Say
Artificial insemination is procreation without recreation.

Confucius Say
The useless skin around a penis is called "a man".

Confucius Say
Pubic hair is just organic dental floss.

Confucius Say
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius Say
A single fact can ruin a good argument.

Confucius Say
An arch criminal is one who robs shoe stores.

Confucius Say
The best way for university student to turn their life completly around is to get 90 degrees.

Confucius Say
The worst thing about oral sex is the view.

Confucius Say
An old grave digger is called an Elderberry

Confucius Say
A gay gentleman from the Deep South is called a homo-sex-y'all

Confucius Say
A Greek tampon is called "Abzorba the Leak."

Confucius Say
Even a fish can escape being caught if it keeps its mouth shut.

Confucius Say
Well done is better than well said.

Confucius Say
Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.

Confucius Say
New York manufacturer of gentlemen's headwear is called "Manhatten".

Confucius Say
Homosexuals don't play chess because they don't want to sacrifice a Queen.

Confucius Say
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Confucius Say
Those who get to big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Confucius Say
The quietest place in the world is the complaint department at a parachute packing plant.

Confucius Say
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

Confucius Say
A good woman will do 70 chores around the house. Cooking and 69.

Confucius Say
A vagina is like a very small hotel. One must leave his bag outside.

Confucius Say
A platonic relationship develops after two good friends are tired of screwing each other.

Confucius Say
A chicken is the result of a sitting hen, while a baby is the result of standing cock.

Confucius Say
Man with one foot on 'yesterday' and one foot on 'tomorrow' will end up pissing on 'today'.

Confucius Say
Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy

Confucius Say
When one man rub lotion on another man, it is called "Men-Gay".

Confucius Say
Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax, dosen't know if he's coming or going.

Confucius Say
If a bulldog and a shitsu are mated, it would be called a "bullshit".

Confucius Say
Jamaican proctologist is called "Pokemon".

Confucius Say
Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others.

Confucius Say
Flatulence is the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Confucius Say
Man who mix Rogaine with Viagra will end up hard headed.

Confucius Say
Prisoners complain behind bars, husbands complain in them.

Confucius Say
The difference between a dog and a fox is about five drinks.

Confucius Say
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

Confucius Say
Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.

Confucius Say
A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.

Confucius Say
A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight.

Confucius Say
A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Confucius Say
A politician is one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Confucius Say
If woman meets a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift, she should exchange him.

Confucius Say
A practical nurse is one who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.

Confucius Say
A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.

Confucius Say
A smile is like tight underwear... it makes your cheeks go up.

Confucius Say
A humorous question on an exam is called "Testicle".

Confucius Say
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Confucius Say
To get an Irishman to climb on the roof, tell him that the drinks are on the house

Confucius Say
Man with a lisp will walk with a Lymph.

Confucius Say
Woman who come to bed wearing nothing but running shoes, wants to have marathon session.

Confucius Say
At a nudist wedding, you don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

Confucius Say
A Church's bills are always "Due unto others"

Confucius Say
Egghead is what Mrs. Dumpty gives Humpty

Confucius Say
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm is called "Sperm Wail".

Confucius Say
Prostitute who likes bondage is usually strapped for cash.

Confucius Say
For every woman with a curve, there are several men with angles.

Confucius Say
Never marry a woman with big hands. It will make your dick look smaller

Confucius Say
The only thing divorce proves is whose mother was right in the first place.

Confucius Say
A vigorous masturbation session is called "Hand to Gland Combat".

Confucius Say
An airplane girl is a blonde who has a black box

Confucius Say
Gay dinosaur is called Mega-sor-ass.

Confucius Say
A flying saucer will appear when a nudist spills his coffee

Confucius Say
To get rid of unwanted pubic hair, one must spit.

Confucius Say
A prostitute with a degree in psychology will blow your mind.

Confucius Say
Always wear Stealth condoms...they'll never see you coming.

Confucius Say
A transvestite is a man who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

Confucius Say
Amish woman's secret fantasy is two Mennonite.

Confucius Say
When a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows, there will be udder destruction.

Confucius Say
Best way to cure water on the brain is with a tap on the head.

Confucius Say
A drunk who works at an upholstery shop is a recovering alcoholic

Confucius Say
Man who finds job at crystal ball company will make a fortune.

Confucius Say
A butler with no teeth is called an in-dentured servant.

Confucius Say
Man who want to catch a bra, should set a boobie trap.

Confucius Say
Misfortune is the kind of fortune that never misses.

Confucius Say
If you look in fortune cookie, you are a pathetic fool who seeks advice from bakery products.

Confucius Say
Virgin like balloon...one prick, all gone.

Confucius Say
A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

Confucius Say
Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Confucius Say
Forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

Confucius Say
You know you are a geek when you look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."

Confucius Say
Birds of a feather flock together...then crap on your car.

Confucius Say
Men are like spray paint. One squeeze and they're all over you.

Confucius Say
Couple who cross LSD with birth control pills, get a trip without the kids.

Confucius Say
To circumcise a whale, send down four skin divers.

Confucius Say
An award winning dentist will be given a little plaque

Confucius Say
The opening in the front of your boxer shorts is called the "Circumvent".

Confucius Say
A bachelor is man who never makes the same mistake once.

Confucius Say
Never tell a secret to a pig, it may squeal.

Confucius Say
Man who give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach will "Abdicate".

Confucius Say
Man who is impotent will have Willy-nilly.

Confucius Say
Woman who absentmindedly answer the door in her nightie is "Negligent"

Confucius Say
When wife complain too much about no magic in marriage, husband will disappear.

Confucius Say
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

Confucius Say
Gay man in Chinese restaurant will order "sum yung guy".

Confucius Say
The difference between pink and purple is your grip.

Confucius Say
The worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary is morning sickness.

Confucius Say
Rudolph was grounded after his dad saw his report card because he went down in history.

Confucius Say
Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a rise.

Confucius Say
A kiss on the lips is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius Say
Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

Confucius Say
12 months of drinking low-calorie beer is 1 Lite year.

Confucius Say
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter is Eskimo Pi

Confucius Say
Police will arrest a transvestite and charge him with male fraud.

Confucius Say
Marriage is like taking a bath... after you've been in it for a while, it isn't so hot.

Confucius Say
Learn to masturbate, come in handy.

Confucius Say
People are like teabags - you don't know how strong they are until you put them in hot water.

Confucius Say
Pedophiles love Halloween because of "Free home delivery".

Confucius Say
One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.

Confucius Say
The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.

Confucius Say
If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.

Confucius Say
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

Confucius Say
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

Confucius Say
Action may not always bring happiness; but there is not happiness without action."

Confucius Say
Man in shower playing with tool not necessarily a plumber.

Confucius Say
Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.

Confucius Say
Those who Say they sleep like a baby haven't got one.

Confucius Say
The white powder found on your penis after a blind date is called Handthrax

Confucius Say
The best way to get a woman to argue with you, is to say something.

Confucius Say
It's not what you wear, it's how you take it off.

Confucius Say
Taliban's national bird is "duck"

Confucius Say
Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone, both look out window and see Rubble

Confucius Say
An impotent loser is one who can't even get his hopes up.

Confucius Say
Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy.

Confucius Say
Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck.

Confucius Say
Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan.

Confucius Say
Gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy much alike. Both can smell it, but they can't eat it.

Confucius Say
Food that goes rotten while being transported to the store is "un-pallet-able".

Confucius Say
It's not how deep you fish, it's how you wiggle your worm.

Confucius Say
Dry cleaner who is in a hurry for a date, will be pressed for time.

Confucius Say
When Indian Chief Shortcake died, squaw bury Shortcake

Confucius Say
Man who checks out woman's package, dosen't always work for UPS.

Confucius Say
Mummys who take vacation, will relax and unwind.

Confucius Say
Dalmatians can't play hide and seek, because they are always spotted.

Confucius Say
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Confucius Say
He who hesitates is probably right.

Confucius Say
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Confucius Say
The toilet of the Star Ship Enterprise contains 'the captains log'.

Confucius Say
The biggest room you have, is the room for improvement.

Confucius Say
Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.

Confucius Say
An 'Areoplane Blonde' is one who has bleached her hair but still has a 'black box'.





Confucius Say
One cow spying on another cow is called a steak out.

Confucius Say
A butler with no teeth is an in-dentured servant.

Confucius Say
Part-time bandleaders should be called 'semi-conductors'.

Confucius Say
The fear of death keeps us from living, not from dying.

Confucius Say
Tears are the hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water power.

Confucius Say
Heat must travel faster than cold because it is easy to catch a cold.

Confucius Say
If men had breasts, they would wear off the pockets of their shirts.

Confucius Say
Deaf people have phone sex by fax.

Confucius Say
A smart ass is someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is

Confucius Say
It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say
Man who pamper his cow, will get spoiled milk

Confucius Say
Never cut the rope that can be simply untied.

Confucius Say
If you do not wish to get to the point, never play leap frog with a unicorn.

Confucius Say
The difference between roast beef and pea soup is that anyone can roast beef.

Confucius Say
A fool and his money are soon partners.

Confucius Say
All's fear in love and war.

Confucius Say
Sex is like a Ford Explorer. Going too fast may cause a roll-over injury

Confucius Say
Ulcers aren't the result of what you eat. You get ulcers from what's eating you.

Confucius Say
Adults are just wrinkled kids who owe money.

Confucius Say
Newscaster who reports hurricanes, knows how to talk up a storm.

Confucius Say
Man who was a dude before marriage, is now subdued.

Confucius Say
When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

Confucius Say
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.

Confucius Say
Woman who fall in love with elevator operator, usually get the shaft.

Confucius Say
The only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back is a police horse.

Confucius Say
An optimist is a man who hasn't had many experiences yet.

Confucius Say
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.

Confucius Say
To ignore the facts, does not change the facts.

Confucius Say
Woman who dates gambler, gets cheated on.

Confucius Say
Girl who go on fishing trip with six men, come back with red snapper.

Confucius Say
A woman will be "Queen of the sewers", if she has accessible manhole.

Confucius Say
If a soda can goes to college, it will take "fizz ed".

Confucius Say
Prisoner who paints in jail, will have brush with the law.

Confucius Say
Men are like fish... neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.

Confucius Say
Geometry teacher who loses parrot, will have polygon.

Confucius Say
Woman who dates trash collector, will get dumped.

Confucius Say
Company who make women's vibrators is called, Genital Electric.

Confucius Say
Sperm sample from Nobel Prize winner is called, 'Stroke of Genius'.

Confucius Say
If all women's lib activists were laid end to end, it would be the best thing for them.

Confucius Say
Independent porno movie producers should form new company called, 20th Century-Fux

Confucius Say
Nurse who goes missing at beach, can be found under the doc.

Confucius Say
Man who try doggie style sex, won't want to face his wife again.

Confucius Say
Student who study history, will find there is no future in it.

Confucius Say
Man who work all day for a pool maintenance company, will feel drained.

Confucius Say
Epileptic lettuce farmer makes seizure salad.

Confucius Say
If the washroom upstairs is occupied, there is a hypotenuse.

Confucius Say
The only one whose troubles are behind him, is a school bus driver.

Confucius Say
Just because men have one, doesn't mean they have to be one.

Confucius Say
The supermarket is where you spend 30 minutes hunting for instant coffee.

Confucius Say
Alarm clock is something that makes people rise and whine.

Confucius Say
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Confucius Say
Argument between pharmacist and a patient is called a pill owe fight

Confucius Say
Since a lawyer joined our nudist colony, he hasn't had a suit.

Confucius Say
Many arguments have two sides, but no end.

Confucius Say
The best defense against rape, is to beat off the attacker.

Confucius Say
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

Confucius Say
Cinderella would be bad at football. Her coach was a pumpkin.

Confucius Say
When TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.

Confucius Say
The palest ink is better than the best memory.

Confucius Say
Miners with illuminated helmets, will feel lightheaded.

Confucius Say
A man can keep his youth by giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Confucius Say
The best way to slow a runaway horse, is to bet on it.

Confucius Say
Getting sick at the airport could be a terminal illness.

Confucius Say
Blondes have more fun because they are easier to amuse.

Confucius Say
Undertakers are nice. They're the last to let people down.

Confucius Say
Self-centered trumpet player likes to toot his own horn.

Confucius Say
Jokes become a father when the punch line becomes apparent.

Confucius Say
A person will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Confucius Say
Best way to make wife's panties wet every day is to do the laundry.

Confucius Say
Balloon factory will go out of business if it can't keep up with inflation.

Confucius Say
There is no future in writing a history book

Confucius Say
The difference between a lawyer and a chicken is, the chicken clucks defiant.

Confucius Say
Men in a singles bar have one thing in common...they're all married.

Confucius Say
Migration is the headache birds get when they fly South for the winter.

Confucius Say
Lady who goes down first time out, is called "Titanic"

Confucius Say
Deaf people have phone sex by fax.

Confucius Say
Whoever gossips to you, will gossip about you.

Confucius Say
I ask wife for "light lunch". She serve fireflys.

Confucius Say
Crossing dinosaur with a pig, will make Jurassic Pork.

Confucius Say
An Austrailian Kiss is similar to French Kiss, but given down under.

Confucius Say
Man who mix poison ivy with four leaf clover, have rash of good luck.

Confucius Say
Prostitute with her hand in her panties is "self employed".

Confucius Say
Do not argue with spouse who is packing your parachute.

Confucius Say
Some fisherman catch their fish by the tale.

Confucius Say
Whether or not sex is better than pot, depends on the pusher.

Confucius Say
A bachelor is a man who is footloose and fiancée-free.

Confucius Say
If you run into your ex on the street, just shift into reverse and keep going.

Confucius Say
Man who wants to kill a circus troupe, should go for the juggler

Confucius Say
If you want to watch the world pass you by, try driving the speed limit.

Confucius Say
An Impotent Loser is a man who can't even get his hopes up.

Confucius Say
A handkerchief should be called "Cold storage".

Confucius Say
Never tell a one legged hitch hiker to "hop in".

Confucius Say
A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Confucius Say
Woman who loses wedding ring in kitchen, should remove her drawers

Confucius Say
The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary

Confucius Say
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Confucius Say
When your ship comes in, make sure you are willing to unload it.

Confucius Say
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

Confucius Say
When things go wrong, don't go with them.

Confucius Say
A speech is like a bicycle wheel...the longer the spoke, the greater the tire.

Confucius Say
It is impossible to sling mud with clean hands.

Confucius Say
Always yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.

Confucius Say
Don't let your affection give you an infection. Put some protection on that erection.

Confucius Say
Man who has nothing to say, should say nothing.

Confucius Say
In prison, best way to separate the men from the boys is with a crowbar

Confucius Say
A good life is like toilet paper... long and useful.

Confucius Say
Basic unit of laryngitis is 1 hoarsepower

Confucius Say
The perfect gift for man who has everything, is a burglar alarm.

Confucius Say
Christmas trees are like priests...Their balls are just for decoration.

Confucius Say
Half of a large intestine is equal to one semicolon

Confucius Say
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...after a mediocre summer.

Confucius Say
It is better to give than receive...especially advice.

Confucius Say
Happiness is a way station between too little and too much.

Confucius Say
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Confucius Say
An optimist is a person who doesn't understand the enormity of the problem.

Confucius Say
Van Gogh was a painter because he didn't have an ear for music.

Confucius Say
Banker who sits in freezer, will have frozen assets.

Confucius Say
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

Confucius Say
A man may be a fool and not know it... but not if he is married.

Confucius Say
Woman who wear something from Victoria's Secret, have no more secrets.

Confucius Say
A 400 pound lady who likes both men and women is a bisexual built for two.

Confucius Say
Husbands are like fires...they go out when left unattended.

Confucius Say
Character is like a fence...it cannot be strengthened by whitewash.

Confucius Say
A perfectionist is one who takes great pains and gives them to everyone else.

Confucius Say
Woman who gives away potato chips, will offer you a free Lay.

Confucius Say
It's better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.

Confucius Say
A virgin sleeping on a waterbed is called "cherry float."

Confucius Say
Blowing into a blonde's ear is called data transfer

Confucius Say
An egghead is what Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Confucius Say
Man with head up ass, can't see for shit.

Confucius Say
A transvestite is one who likes to eat, drink and be Mary

Confucius Say
A gay man with diarrhea is called juicy fruit.

Confucius Say
Eskimos go to Tupperware parties to find a tight seal.

Confucius Say
Show off is always shown up in showdown.

Confucius Say
He who makes love in grass, gets piece on earth.

Confucius Say
A woman is the only hunter who uses herself for bait.

Confucius Say
Keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Confucius Say
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Confucius Say
Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

Confucius Say
The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.

Confucius Say
Marriages are made in Heaven...So are thunder and lightning.

Confucius Say
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

Confucius Say
A wise man makes sure that his wife's birthday cake is short one candle.

Confucius Say
Jamaiccan proctologist is called Pok-e-mon

Confucius Say
An egotist is a person more interested in himself, than in me.

Confucius Say
Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Confucius Say
If man doesn't try different sex with one women, he shall try one sex with different women.

Confucius Say
Real estate people are a vacant lot.

Confucius Say
Patience is a naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.

Confucius Say
Man with hand in pocket is all ways on the ball.

Confucius Say
Man with poor vision can date anyone.

Confucius Say
Man who put head it fruit drink, get punch in nose.

Confucius Say
Man who put cream in tart is not necessarily baker.

Confucius Say
An enemy is sometimes nothing more than a friend who got wise to you.

Confucius Say
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Confucius Say
He who thinks only of number one, must remember it is next to nothing.

Confucius Say
Two wrongs may not make a right; but two Wrights made an airplane. Confucious Say... Women are like Lawn Mowers...If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Confucius Say
Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.

Confucius Say
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Confucius Say
Hole happy, whole body happy.

Confucius Say
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.

Confucius Say
When Einstein stared at his cousin's boobs, he discovered 'Theory of Relative Titty'.

Confucius Say
Misfortune is the kind of fortune that never misses.

Confucius Say
Husband who sleep on couch last night, have hard time today.

Confucius Say
Dirty hands make your nose itch.

Confucius Say
Men are like cement...after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Confucius Say
Knowledge was never known to enter the head via an open mouth.

Confucius Say
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Confucius Say
Honor your personality flaws, for without them you would have no personality at all.

Confucius Say
Forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit...but not nearly as gratifying.

Confucius Say
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.

Confucius Say
Man who keeps nose to the grindstone, have sharp boogers.

Confucius Say
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius Say
Forgetful cow gives Milk of Amnesia.

Confucius Say
A wok is what you throw at a wabbit.

Confucius Say
If you girlfriend starts smoking, slow down and use a lubricant.

Confucius Say
Winnie The Pooh will get angry if you stick your finger in his honey.





Confucius Say
A man who cries while he masturbates is a real tearjerker.

Confucius Say
The only way you can you get AIDS from a toilet seat is by sitting down before the last guy gets up.

Confucius Say
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy... but a social loser.

Confucius Say
"Vegetarian" is an Indian word meaning, "lousy hunter".

Confucius Say
Every Amish woman's private fantasy is two Mennonite.

Confucius Say
If you can't be content with what you have received, be thankful for what you have escaped.

Confucius Say
A wise man buys his wife fine china, so she won't trust him to wash it.

Confucius Say
Religeous woman with hole in pocket, feel holy all day.

Confucius Say
Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.

Confucius Say
Constipated people don't give a crap.

Confucius Say
Man who throw a cat out car window, makes kitty litter.

Confucius Say
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Confucius Say
Asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake.

Confucius Say
Man with hard problem usually give it to woman.

Confucius Say
Wise man buy prunes...get good run for money

Confucius Say
Man who comes into money, have sticky financial situation.

Confucius Say
A rental car is the only true all-terrain vehicle.

Confucius Say
A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief.

Confucius Say
Woman like dollar bill; hard to pickup, but worth effort.

Confucius Say
Question authority and the authorities will question you.

Confucius Say
If you open the door to a lesser evil, a greater one will slink in after it.

Confucius Say
The greatest of all faults, is to be aware of none.

Confucius Say
No time for your health today; no health for your time tomorrow.

Confucius Say
Karaoke is a Chinese word meaning "tone deaf".

Confucius Say
Oral sex makes one's day, but anal sex makes one's hole weak.

Confucius Say
If someone calls you fat, don't get angry... just turn the other chin.

Confucius Say
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Confucius Say
If you continue to live in the past, your life is history.

Confucius Say
Man who says he knows how to control a wife is called a bachelor.

Confucius Say
It's OK for schoolboy to masturbate, as long as it's not against his principal.

Confucius Say
The very first doctor of dermatology had to start from scratch.

Confucius Say
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you're in a public restroom.

Confucius Say
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Confucius Say
New wives are like computers...they go down unexpectedly.

Confucius Say
Best time to buy new mattress, at first sign of spring.

Confucius Say
He who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands.

Confucius Say
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Confucius Say
People having gift of gab, not know how to wrap it up.

Confucius Say
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Confucius Say
First breath of love is the last breath of wisdom.

Confucius Say
The definition of a true genius is a nudist with a memory for faces.

Confucius Say
Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there.

Confucius Say
Man who kisses girl's behind, get a crack in the face.

Confucius Say
Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Confucius Say
There is one thing that all smart asses have in common... "Wise Cracks"

Confucius Say
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.

Confucius Say
"Tact" is the unsaid part of what you're thinking.

Confucius Say
Dog may be man's best friend, but pussy not far behind.

Confucius Say
Man who fall into an upholstery machine, eventually be fully recovered.

Confucius Say
People who say they never fart are full of hot air.

Confucius Say
Happiness is not a destination, but a manner of traveling.

Confucius Say
Putting teenager in prison, won't stop his face from breaking out.

Confucius Say
Love everybody...not every body.

Confucius Say
If wise man marry, he become otherwise.

Confucius Say
The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.

Confucius Say
Don't confuse an open mind with one that's vacant.

Confucius Say
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.

Confucius Say
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Confucius Say
Live each day as if it were your last, because someday it will be.

Confucius Say
It's ok to look back at the past....just don't stare at it.

Confucius Say
If you don't want anyone to get your goat, don't let them know where you have it tied.

Confucius Say
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Confucius Say
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

Confucius Say
Beauty is only a light switch away.

Confucius Say
He who sleep on bed of nails, is indeed a holy man.

Confucius Say
Man who has money to burn, makes an ash of himself.

Confucius Say
Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole woman have more.

Confucius Say
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.

Confucius Say
Man who sucks nipples, make clean breast of things.

Confucius Say
Girl who slides down bannister, makes monkey shine.

Confucius Say
A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.

Confucius Say
He who refuses to listen is lying.

Confucius Say
Man who dates dynamite lady, gets big bang out of her.

Confucius Say
He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves.

Confucius Say
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Confucius Say
Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.

Confucius Say
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Confucius Say
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

Confucius Say
If you want a committed man, look in mental hospital.

Confucius Say
He who eats crackers in bed, get crummy sleep.

Confucius Say
Woman who wears padded bra, makes mountains out of molehills.

Confucius Say
Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap, may get bust in mouth.

Confucius Say
To make egg roll, push it.

Confucius Say
Chemist who fall in acid, get absorbed in work.

Confucius Say
Girl's best asset is her `lie' ability.

Confucius Say
He who eats ice cream in car, is a Sundae Driver

Confucius Say
He who stick head in open window, gets pane in neck.

Confucius Say
Virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick.

Confucius Say
Woman who dance while wearing a jockstrap have make believe ballroom.

Confucius Say
Sailor who gets discharged from navy, leave buddies behind.

Confucius Say
Man who make love to cash register, come into money.

Confucius Say
Man who fondle girl having period, get caught red handed.

Confucius Say
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have crappy time.

Confucius Say
Woman who springs on inner spring this spring gets offspring next spring.

Confucius Say
Sex on beach is like American beer...very close to water.

Confucius Say
Man who masturbates is only screwing himself.

Confucius Say
Man who do business in whore house, get jerked around

Confucius Say
House without toilet is uncanny.

Confucius Say
‘Tis better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Confucius Say
Butcher who back into meat-grinder, get a little behind in his orders.

Confucius Say
He who light the fuse of love, get big bang.

Confucius Say
'Tis better to have loved a short woman than to have never loved a tall

Confucius Say
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot, very unsanitary.

Confucius Say
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

Confucius Say
Woman who marry detective must kiss dick.

Confucius Say
Woman who is wallflower at party, dandelion in bed.

Confucius Say
Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink

Confucius Say
Men are like Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Confucius Say
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Confucius Say
Man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face.

Confucius Say
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.

Confucius Say
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

Confucius Say
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

Confucius Say
He who crosses the ocean twice without bathing is a dirty double crosser.

Confucius Say
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Confucius Say
Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk.

Confucius Say
Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy.

Confucius Say
Man who eats photograph of his Dad is soon spitting image of his father.

Confucius Say
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.

Confucius Say
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Confucius Say
A woman is like jazz music. 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time.

Confucius Say
Cows without legs are ground beef

Confucius Say
He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.

Confucius Say
Woman who is in love with priest will chase him through church and grab him by the organ.

Confucius Say
Economy will go up and down when country is run by yo-yos

Confucius Say
Basketball player who marry midget lady will be nuts over her.

Confucius Say
Chinese couple who have white baby, name it "Sum Ting Wong."

Confucius Say
Woman who slide down bannister, get slivers by cracky.

Confucius Say
Man who date flat chested woman, has a right to feel low.

Confucius Say
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end.

Confucius Say
Man who let woman on top, will screw up.

Confucius Say
Man who get hit by car,get that run down feeling.

Confucius Say
Man with athletic finger, make broad jump.

Confucius Say
Sumo wrestling is survival of the fattest.

Confucius Say
Many men bite , but Fu Man Chu

Confucius Say
Woman who fly airplane upside down have crack up.

Confucius Say
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Confucius Say
Passionate kiss like spider web. Will lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius Say
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius Say
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius Say
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Confucius Say
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

Confucius Say
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Confucius Say
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

Confucius Say
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Confucius Say
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

Confucius Say
It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Confucius Say
Man who live in glass house should change in basement.

Confucius Say
Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Confucius Say
Woman who wear G-string, high on crack.

Confucius Say
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Confucius Say
If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people.

Confucius Say
Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.


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