Mr. One-Liner

Insults And Put-Downs

If you can't take a joke, I suggest you avoid mirrors.

You're like a glow stick. I want to snap you and shake the shit out of you until the light comes on.

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I thought you already knew.

Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

You remind me of a penny. Two-faced and not worth much.

What doesn't kill you disappoints me.

Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I'd start thinking about you.

I think you're one cat short of crazy.

You are as emotionally stable as an IKEA table.

You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.

I'd love to insult you, but I'm afraid I wouldn't do as well as nature did.

You're about as important as a white crayon.

Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for you they don't laugh.

I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

You look like the kind of person that buys condoms on the way to a family reunion.

I've stepped in puddles deeper than you.

Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

The last time I saw something like you, I flushed it.

I'm certain that 90% of her beauty could be removed with a Kleenex.

I think you're on the wrong floor because you're not on my level.

Hey there train wreck, this ain't your station.

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I thought you already knew.

I can't be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.

If the human body is 60% water, you're not fat, you're having a flood.

Sorry for being late. I got caught up in enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.

I love you so much that if our boat was sinking and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you a lot.

I love the sound you make when you shut up.

He's so dumb, he thought Sean Penn was the capitol of Cambodia.

Why don't you eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out smarter words.

Be yourself. No one else wants to be you.

If you hate yourself, remember that you are not alone. A lot of other people hate you too.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Take your parents as an example.

People who tolerate you on a daily basis... they're the real heroes.

You didn't fall from the stupid tree, you were dragged through the entire dumbass forest.

You look like I need a drink.

She's so ugly, when she walks by a toilet it flushes itself.

You're mama is so stupid, she walked by a Y.M.C.A. and said "Oh look, somebody spelled MACY'S wrong."

I wish you were more fluent in silence.

She's so fat, she has a real horse on her Polo shirt.

Your mother should have thrown you away and kept the stork.

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

I've just learned about your illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I wish someone would tear you down and put up a human being.

How would you like to donate a pint of blood through the nose?

Why don't you let that hole under your nose heal up?

What are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants its ass back?

Why don't you slip into something more a coma.

Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement right away.

I heard you changed your mind. What did you do with the diaper?

Don't believe everything you think.

You may not be Mr. Right, but you'll do until he shows up.

Shhhh...that's the sound of nobody caring what you think.

If you have something to say, raise your hand and place it over your mouth.

Did you have an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me?

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be overjoyed.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

If stupidity was painful, you'd be in agony.

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

Go on. Add some variety to your sex life...use the other hand.

Those penis enlargement pills you took must be working. You're a bigger dick now than you were last week.

The next time your mind goes blank, do all of us a favor -- turn off the sound.

There are two sides to every argument, but I don't have time to listen to yours.

I'm not saying you're lazy, but you should try out for "American Idle."

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really your personality.

I'm not saying she's ugly, but if she was cast as Lady Godiva, the horse would steal the show.

I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have a place to put it.

I know that you're nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll be glad to do so for you.

Sometimes I think that the only way you can get stupider is to get bigger.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?

Keep talking; someday you'll say something intelligent.

Don't you just love nature, despite what it did to you?

Are you going to be the cause of my next headache?

Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.

After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the one that made it.

Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

Someday you will get your big chance...or have you already had it?

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.

If I gave a shit, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

I will always love the false image I had of you.

It's okay to be ugly, but aren't you overdoing it?

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