Mr. One-Liner

Insults And Put-Downs

Did your father mate with a flowerpot, because you're a blooming idiot!

You say you started seeing someone. As in dating or hallucinations?

You were cut from a cloth that I wouldn't wash my ass with.

You'll never settle down. You suffer from Multiple Whoreosis.

I'm not saying she's a tramp, but she's dropped more boxers than Muhammad Ali.

Words can't describe how beautiful you are, but numbers can. I'd say you're about a three out of ten.

You say your girlfriend takes you breath away. Is that because she's inflatable?

Her mother should have named her 12, because she dozen cook, dozen clean, dozen do anything.

Did you hear a zipper? Then why did you open your mouth?

If no one has told you that you're beautiful today, it won't start here.

You should call your private part "lottery ticket", since you're always scratching it.

It's a good thing you're funny, because being attractive isn't exactly an option for you.

There are 6,600 languages in the world, and you wanna talk shit.

In loving memory of when I gave a shit.

The only time you get asked for sex is on an application form.

You're the total package... that got ruined during shipping and handling.

Cigarettes and alcohol have warning labels because they're harmful to your health, yet you're allowed to walk around freely.

The reason you talk about me is because when you talk about yourself, no one listens.

I've never had a problem that you couldn't make worse.

Just because leggings stretch, doesn't mean your 300 pound ass should be in them.

You're so dumb, you think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

If God created you, he has a serious quality control problem.

Is that a tan or have you been rolling in Doritos?

Stop being an asshole. There, now I'm your life coach.

Home is wherever you're not.

Behold my field of fucks, and see that it is barren.

Shutting the fuck up is gluten free, so add that to your diet.

I am so glad you're not a twin.

Since your butt looks like two raccoons fighting in a sack of corn, just say no to Spandex.

The jerk store called. They need another order of you.

It's not PMS. I just don't like you.

I'm not saying she's a ho, but she's kinkier than a dollar store garden hose.

You must've fallen from Heaven, 'cause it looks like you landed on your face.

Sorry. No habla fucktardo.

There are two sides to every story, and you're an ass hole in both of them.

You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off?

You're so ugly, your portraits hang themselves.

You're fat. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it because you might eat that too.

Roses are red, violets are blue. God made me pretty. What happened to you?

She's so dumb, she can't figure out why she hasn't pooped out the ice cube she swallowed yesterday.

When I said, "Shove it up your ass," I meant it as an insult, not a pick-up line.

I'm sorry. What language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.

You're going to be in big trouble if your co-workers ever find out you don't really have Tourette's.

Well dip me in cheese and call me chip, 'cause I am nacho bitch.

I'll bet your baby toe gets banged more than you do.

It's so hot out, I almost called you so I could be around something shady.

Am I the only one who's running out of people I like?

I never respond to shade coming from trees that bear no fruit.

If the food you eat affects your sex life, I wish you'd stop eating minute rice.

Your clothes must have missed you. They're hugging you really tight.

Let's play airplane. Now take the fuck off.

If you don't like me it's because I don't want you to.

If you're going to rattle my cage you better make sure I'm locked in it.

I don't know how to put this nicely, so I won't.

Even though my hands are already full, I can still carry a grudge against you.

I'd tell you to face your problems, but most of your problems are your face.

Out of all the lies I've told you, "Just kidding" is my favorite.

Don't think of yourself as short. You're a People McNugget.

If you insult me again, I'll come over and slash the tires on your house.

Maybe the love of your life got stuck in a condom.

The nicest thing you could say to me is "Goodbye."

She's so dumb, she thought a medieval lamp was called a knight light.

I'd make fun of you, but I don't think you'd understand it.

Having a beard doesn't make you a man. Vaginas have hair too.

The more I get to know my co-workers, the better I understand why Noah only let animals on the ark.

I may not be the brightest candle on the cake, but you can still blow me.

You're too fake to be called a dick, so I'll just call you a dildo.

I didn't say you wake up at the crack of dawn. I said you wake up and do crack with Don.

You remind me of a plunger. Always bringing up old shit.

I'm not saying she's fat, but her birthstone is chocolate.

That chill pill you took this morning appears to have been a placebo.

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.

I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I need is you making eye contact with me.

You're so dumb, you thought a female astronaut was called a juggernaut.

You're like a human version of a headache.

I thought of you all day. I was at the zoo.

The difference between two dicks and a joke is you can't take a joke.

I'm not saying she's a ho, but she's been on more wieners than my last bottle of ketchup.

Your greatest accomplishment so far is you were a line leader in elementary school.

I'm not saying that she's a slut, but she's had more balls in her mouth than a Hungry Hippo.

I used to think you took my breath away, then I realized I was suffocated by your bullshit.

If lying were a job, you'd be a millionaire.

I Googled "Who cares about your petty-ass problems?" My name didn't appear on the list.

You have an excellent nose for wine. It's shaped like a corkscrew.

You know, they make medication for the way you act.

Today is "National Slap An Idiot Day." You should have stayed home.

If you were a cookie you'd be a whoreo.

Do you have a pen? Well, you'd better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing.

I don't explain myself to idiots. I'm not the fuckface whisperer.

Kindness is my go-to, but fuck off is my wingman.

If only your teeth were as white as your legs.

You might be ugly, but at least you're honest.

Well now, isn't that something... that I don't care about.

Does your bum look big in those jeans? I don't know. Let me step back and get it all in.

If you'd like to borrow some chloroform, knock yourself out.

If you were betting on my downfall, you should ask for a refund.

I'd tell you to kiss my ass, but you'd probably fall in love and then I'd never get rid of you.

They call her "birthday cake" because everybody's had a piece.

I doesn't matter what people think of you. At least mosquitoes find you attractive.

The answer you're looking for is inside you, but it's wrong.

I'm sure you have a lot of hidden talents. The problem is, even you can't find them.

I know five fat people, and you're four of them.

You're so lucky. You can eat ice cream as fast as you want and never have to worry about brain freeze.

Life is full of little disappointments and I've just added you to my list.

Your problem is you have million dollar dreams with a minimum wage work ethic.

We call her "Happy Meal", because she always cums with a toy inside.

I hope life bites you in the ass. You have enough padding there to take the hit.

A dickhead like you would have to take Viagra as a nasal spray.

I never said you had ugly feet. I said you look like you could swoop down from the sky and snatch your dinner from a lake.

You're not 40. You're more like 2 twenties held together with mashed potatoes.

Since I let you into my life, several things have gone missing, like joy, peace and love.

You have something on your chin. No, the third one down.

You're the total package all right. You just arrived at the wrong address.

The next time you lose your mind, don't bother to look for it.

I'm sure that whatever you have to say can wait until you're smarter.

If someone every stole your identity they'd probably give it back the next day.

You seem to be very well educated about the stuff you just made up.

When you can be anything you want, an ass hole seems like an odd choice.

Your face looks like a kid drew a picture of you.

She used to be popular, until her therapist took all of her imaginary friends away.

If a thought ever entered your head, it would be a stranger there.

Is it just me, or have you had a lot of birthdays?

I wish you had a shock collar and I had the remote.

I'm not saying you curse a lot, but your swear jar could finance the space program.

You don't have to die to be dead to me. I have mental funerals on a daily basis.

That knife you stuck in my back will come in handy for cutting ties with you.

The only advantage you have over me is that you can kiss my ass and I can't.

Take care of your eyes. They're the only balls you have.

You know it's bad when you want to shove an asshole up another asshole's ass.

She's not a drinker, but she certainly likes a whine.

You say you're outdoorsy, but the only garden I've ever seen you in is a beer garden.

You've got more dick in your personality than you do in your pants.

Just because I loved you at one point doesn't mean I will always love you. I'm not Whitney Houston.

You're so skinny, you could get a job modeling thermometers.

Scientists have crossed a wiener dog with a pit bull. It's called a wiener pit, just like your mouth.

Don't let your food get cold worrying what's on my plate.

She's so dumb, she was disappointed that ribbed condoms don't taste like ribs.

I've got heals higher than your standards.

She's recovering from a recent accident. A thought struck her.

I guess those penis enlargement pills you're taking must be working. You're twice the dick you were yesterday.

The problem with you is you're breathing.

She's so dumb, she thought virginity was a Southern U.S. state.

Warning! I am not the bigger person.

Do you have a pen? If so, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you are missing.

You remind me of a no thanks.

Copy your bullshit and paste it somewhere else.

Your boobs must hate the cold. Each year they move further south.

Please don't make yourself at home. I've seen how you live.

In order to bring me down you have to be able to reach me.

You have a baby face and a brain to match.

A douche bag of your magnitude could cleanse a whale's vagina.

The only thing worse than a mind that never opens is a mouth that never shuts.

You remind me of London. Always in a fog.

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you blocked and deleted. You may now kiss my ass.

I'm not as sorry as you probably think I should be.

I'm not a psychic, but I'm positive I will have no interest in what you are about to say.

Your spirit animal is a fat raccoon trying to get into a dumpster.

Bitch, please move away from the sunlight. I hate the smell of burning plastic.

You could commit murder and still not be on the most wanted list.

If you ever entered a beauty contest, Miss Congeniality would slap you.

She's so dumb, she got kicked out of her coffee group for wearing a tea shirt.

Your singing voice could be improved by laryngitis.

She's so dumb, she wouldn't get on a Greyhound bus because she's allergic to dogs.

So, a thought crossed your mind? It must have been a long, lonely journey.

You're so skinny, if you put a pizza on your head you'd look like a beach umbrella.

Some people are like M&Ms. Memories and Mistakes.

In the first place, you're very fat. And in the second place too.

You're the reason God created amnesia.

She has so many gaps in her teeth, it looks like her tongue is in jail.

You must be standing backwards, because all I see is an ass hole.

When God made you, you must have been on the bottom of his "to-do" list.

Sarcasm falls out of my mouth like stupidity falls out of yours.

If I could go back to the day we met, I'd turn around and walk the other way.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, you'd come in 4th so you didn't have to walk up to the podium.

Of course I didn't take your advice. Eagles don't take flight lessons from chickens.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it's really doing the job.

You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.

You're so annoying, you could make a Happy Meal cry.

Your birth certificate should come with a letter of apology.

Your face is fine, but you should put a bag over that personality.

I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

When I see your face, there's not a thing I would change... except the direction I was walking in.

If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.

If all the world's a stage, whoever cast you needs to be fired.

If I blocked you on Social Media, when you see me on the street, the block still applies.

The funny thing about growing older is your eyesight get weaker, yet you can see through people much better.

She's so ugly, she considers a wart a beauty mark.

Kissing ass is a class I didn't pass.

I'm trying to see the best in you, but you have it so well hidden.

If ugly were a crime, you'd get a life sentence.

She's been on the market so long she's about to go on clearance.

Would you look at me? I've got the hiccups.

Your face wouldn't just stop a clock, it would set it back two hours.

You're about as confused as a fart in a fan factory.

She has a face like the back of a boat, and she gave me a stern look.

She's about five pounds away from Google Maps listing her as a roundabout.

I didn't say you were stupid. I said you are stupid. There's no past tense about it.

The only reason I haven't unfriended you is because your drama keeps me entertained while I'm on the toilet.

You're so ugly, Frankenstein came to a Halloween party dressed as you.

You're a real treasure. Too bad somebody dug you up.

I thought I wanted you as a part of my life's story, but it turns out you were only a chapter.

You got carried away with your own looks, but not far enough.

He's so rich, his limousine has a finished basement.

People like you a lot when you first meet them, but then you talk them out of it.

Your lips are so big, your Chap-Stick has to be put on with a spray.

You don't need a personal trainer. You need someone to follow you around and slap the food out of your hands.

They call you "a free spirit" because it sounds better than "out of control wing-nut."

You're about as useless as the "g" in lasagna.

You're so fat, when the doctor examined you he said, "Open your mouth and say 'Moo.'"

You have an open mind, but it's closed for repairs.

In your case, brain surgery would only be a minor operation.

Your mind is like a defective parachute. It doesn't open when it should.

She's had more rogers than a policeman's radio.

Your breath is so bad, you need a breath mint with a battery.

If you want me to control my temper, you need to control your stupidity.

You're so old, you knew Madame Butterfly when she was a caterpillar.

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today. Then I realized it said, "Thick Cut."

You look like you need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

She has so many wrinkles on her face, she has to screw her hat on.

If Moses had seen your face, there would have been another commandment.

Your breath is so bad, when you talk on the phone, people hang up.

Don't be concerned about losing face. In your case it would be an improvement.

If you were drowning I'd throw you both ends of a rope.

Your hometown is so small, when they have a boxing match, both boxers have to sit in the same corner.

She's so ugly, when she goes to a beauty parlor she uses the emergency entrance.

I wish you'd go cordless bungee jumping.

I'm not saying that she's ugly, but she could be a test pilot at a broom factory.

Your mother wanted to change you when you were a baby, but they wouldn't give her another one.

You're my co-worker, not my boss. Act your wage.

If you look close enough, that high horse you think you're on is actually a donkey.

Can I call you back in a few margaritas?

Is your drama going to have an intermission soon?

Are those your ears or are you wearing pierced earmuffs?

You would be much more likeable if it wasn't for that hole in your mouth that noise comes out of.

My mom didn't raise no dummy. And if she did, it would be my brother.

You say you have men lining up outside your door? Do they want their money back?

His nickname at work is "Motion Light," because he only works when someone walks past.

He's a self-made man that should have used an expert.

She's so fat, her baby pictures were taken by satellite.

His nickname at work is Blister, because he shows up when the work is done.

I heard you're a great sculptor. You come from a long list of chiselers.

Any time you pass by my house, I'd appreciate it.

eHarmony would only match you up with Jack Daniels.

That must be a face. I see ears on it.

Farting is as close as I'm going to come to giving a shit about you.

Her mouth is so big she can whisper in her own ear.

I'm not saying you wear too much makeup, but that's a face, not a coloring book.

You're such a dick head, you have to take Viagra as a nasal spray.

You're so full of shit you should have flush handles instead of ears.

How many wrinkles does an ass hole have? Smile and I'll count them.

You go girl... And don't come back!

Oh honey, that high horse you're on makes your ass look big.

My kitchen is so small, the refrigerator door opens inward.

Reincarnation must exist. Nobody could get as dumb as you in just one lifetime.

He's so fat, his belt size ie "Equator."

She's so ugly, for the first six months her mother diapered the wrong end.

Come over here and see if this towel smells like chloroform.

Her tongue is so long she can seal an envelope after she puts it in the mailbox.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did my back hurt your knife?

You remind me of the sea. You make me sick.

Do you have a chip on your shoulder or is that your head?

She's so fat, she had to let her shower curtains out.

If you entered an ugly contest the judges would say, "Sorry, no professionals."

I'm not saying she's a slut, but her favorite shade of lipstick is penis.

Your dress matches your eyes. Where did you find a bloodshot dress?

You have a face that makes people look twice. They can't believe it the first time.

You have a lot of funny lines. Too bad they're all in your face.

My wife said that she's started a light diet. As soon as it gets light she starts eating.

If your I.Q. was any lower you'd trip over it.

On your way home could you drop off something... like a bridge?

You should get a hobby. Why don't you go home and collect dust?

You say your husband has lost all interest in sex? What happened, did he get new glasses?

Let's play Building And Loan. You leave the building and leave me alone.

The only thing you'd share with someone is a communicable disease.

She never wears lipstick because she can't keep her mouth shut long enough to put it on.

I admit you're a distant relative. The trouble is you're not distant enough.

I call my wife "twelve". She dozen cook, dozen clean, dozen do anything.

Some people say you're a pain in the neck. Others have a lower opinion.

You make me wish I had a lower I.Q. so I could enjoy your company.

My life has no room for you, but the trunk of my car definitely does.

My mistake was letting your work slide. Now you think you can ice skate.

Sex is one of the healthiest forms of exercise, so if I tell you to fuck off, it's only because I care.

I can't tell if you're on too many drugs or not enough.

I'm pretty sure you seized the wrong day.

While you're stabbing my back, you can kiss my ass too.

She's not much to look at, but she'll screw you more than the government.

You could be a backwards stripper. You come out naked and people would pay you to put your clothes back on.

The difference between you and eggs is that eggs get laid.

You're what I call a Dicktim. That's where you act like a dick, then pretend to be a victim.

When we go on vacation, my wife packs underwear like she's planning on shitting herself twice a day for every day we're gone.

She's so fat, when she takes an elevator it better be going down.

You should be paid what you're worth, but minimum wage won't allow it.

Making sense just isn't your thing, is it?

I hope my name comes up when you go into therapy.

I wouldn't hire you to be the spell checker and an M&Ms factory.

She's so skinny, she can hula hoop with a Cheerio.

I'm not saying that he drinks too much, but his favorite soup of the day is bourbon.

Have you ever met someone so stupid that you felt sorry for their dog?

When your mom said, "Get a man that can cook," she didn't mean crack or meth.

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Let's take the worst case scenario... like you for example.

If fish is brain food, you should eat a whale.

Being a dick won't make yours any bigger.

She's so fat, she was baptized at Sea World.

You should go to school to be a bone specialist. You have the head for it.

I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm lying.

Why do you keep mistaking "Wow!" as a compliment?

You have a good head on your shoulders, but it would look better on your neck.

She not only kept her hourglass figure, she doubled it.

If you ever find yourself, you're going to be disappointed.

You're so stupid, even your sundial is slow.

Here's a joke that is so funny it will make your boobs fall off. Oh, I see you've heard it already.

Today is "Slap An Idiot Day". Boy, am I gonna be busy.

I'm not saying she's fat, but when her husband carried her over the threshold he had to make two trips.

If you ever got a varsity letter in school, someone would have to read it to you.

She eats mainly whole foods. Whole pizzas, whole cakes...

Let's play "Fuck Off". You go first.

You couldn't handle me even if I came with instructions.

Your breath smells like a portable toilet at a chile festival.

Every time I look at you I think your mama's eggs must have expired.

I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying that canary was alive before you got here.

The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.

When I think about you, I touch myself. Actually, I rub my temples because you give me a huge migraine.

She's so fat, she has to buy group insurance.

Yeah, I'm a pacifist. I'm about to pass a fist across your face.

If your face is your fortune, you must be facing bankruptcy.

Everything happens for a reason. So if I punch you in the face, remember, it was for a reason.

I Googled your symptoms. It turns out you're a bitch.

She's so dumb, her husband gave her a gift certificate and she exchanged it.

I'd like to leave you with a thought, but where would you put it?

Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.

All you need is love. And an IQ low enough to believe that.

Please try to act decent, or don't you do imitations?

I'm glad you're back. I haven't had a dull moment since you left.

You haven't many faults, but you make the most of the ones you have.

I'm going to stop telling everyone that you're a jerk. I like to see the look on their faces when they find out for themselves.

When I dunk a cookie in my coffee, I think of you. So I hold it under until the bubbles stop.

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation couldn't cure.

You're so old, when you walk into an antique shop they try to buy you.

So, you want to fight air pollution? Try taking a shower.

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile... then walk into a pole.

For your birthday I wanted to give you something you really need, but I don't know how to wrap a shower.

The only thing a mini skirt would do for you is give you cold knees.

Women who insist that their man be six-two make me six-two my stomach.

Always remember, awesome ends in me, and ugly starts with u.

I just made an appointment with an eye doctor because I don't know what I ever saw in you.

You're so ugly, your face could stop bird shit in mid air.

She has calves only a cow could love.

I don't regret burning some bridges. I only regret that certain people weren't on them when I burned them.

She could lose five pounds just by taking off her makeup.

I'd tell you to go screw yourself, but I'm pretty sure you'd be disappointed.

She can't cook, but she can start an argument from scratch.

You're so dumb, you thought a vegetarian was a vegetable doctor.

If it takes more than an hour to get ready, you may not be as pretty as you think you are.

When you smile, it looks like a crack in a septic tank.

My wife should run for Congress. She's great at bringing bills into the house.

You're so ugly, your portraits hang themselves.

Your car is such a piece of crap, every time it passes a junk yard it gets homesick.

She's so fat, her dress size is unlisted.

She's so fat, she got on a rowing machine and it sank.

When you were born your parents didn't know whether to buy a crib or a cage.

You're so ugly, your family tells their friends that you're adopted.

When you were born, your mother was fined for illegal dumping.

She's so dumb, her favorite number of the alphabet is purple.

You're so lazy, if your ship came in you wouldn't unload it.

Your mother tried to change you when you were a baby, but they wouldn't give her a different one.

She's so ugly, her parents are looking for a loophole in her birth certificate.

She said my dick was the size of a Tic Tac. I said, "Well, that explains why you always have fresh breath."

I can't understand you. I don't speak assholian.

Sorry, I'm not really good at acting like I care.

You play the victim so well, I'm surprised you don't carry around your own body chalk.

Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery. I wish you would roll over.

You always do me a favor when you shut up!

No one thinks you're an ass hole. We're all sure of it.

I'd punch you, but your beard hasn't grown in yet and I don't hit women and children.

I'd like to add insult to injury. Let me sign your cast.

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don't want to see your ugly mug every day.

Here's a condom. I figured since you're acting like a dick you should at least dress like one.

Your secret is safe with me. I wasn't even listening.

My wife asked me what I'd most like to do to her body. I said, "Identify it."

Shall I compare thee to a summer's eve, for thou art a douche.

I believe in you. I also believe in Bigfoot, so don't get too excited.

I'm sorry that we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.

I'm not fat. I'm just too wide for your narrow mind.

If you ever get lockjaw, I hope it's not open.

Stop thinking that you're ugly. You are ugly, just stop thinking about it.

So you think you're a mover and a shaker? Too bad you don't work for the bomb disposal unit.

Fighting with me is like being in the special Olympics. You may win, but in the end, you're still a retard.

You talk pretty tough for someone whose feet don't touch the floor when they sit in a chair.

Does, "Who cares?" count as advice?

Life's good, you should get one.

If only I could invoice you for wasting my time.

You're so dumb, you thought a high wind was a breeze coming off a marijuana farm.

You're not a part of the problem. You're the whole problem.

Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again.

If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don't want to give off the wrong impression.

If you find me offensive, then I suggest you quit finding me.

If you wrote down every single thought you ever had, you would get an award for the shortest story ever.

I am busy right now. Can I ignore you some other time?

My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.

I wish you'd shut your mouth when you're talking to me.

I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

I don't believe in plastic surgery, but in your case, go ahead.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

Let's share. You take the grenade, I'll take the pin.

I like you like I like my coffee... sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away.

You look good when your eyes are closed. You look even better when my eyes closed.

That is the ugliest shirt I've ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.

If you ran like your mouth, you'd be in great shape.

Hey buddy! Your check ass-hole light is on.

You need an intelligence charger. You're down to 3%.

Since the first time we met, I knew I wanted to buy you a toaster for your bathtub.

It's not that I don't like you, but I hope someone takes the light bulb out of your bathroom and leaves the plunger in the toilet.

I'd kick your ass, but I threw my back out humping your mom last night.

She's so skinny, when she sent me a nude photo I thought it was an x-ray.

You're so skinny, I've seen more butt on a cigarette.

Maybe the grass is greener over there because you're not over there fucking it up.

The difference between tequila and your opinion is, I ask for tequila.

Arrogance and stupidity all in one package. How efficient of you.

I'm not saying she's fat, but her weight goal is one chin.

I don't mind if you've been spreading rumors about me. At least you're finally spreading something else other than your legs.

I don't think I meet the height requirements to ride your emotional roller-coaster.

Twinkle, Twinkle little slut. Name a guy you haven't fucked. Was he skinny? Was he tall? Never mind, you did them all.

If anyone ever calls you "the one that got away," they'll be a guard from an asylum.

The first rule of The Condescending Club is kind of complex, and I don't think you'd understand even if I explained it to you.

Don't be ashamed of who you are. That's your parents' job.

If good looking people are called eye candy, you must be called eye broccoli.

She's so lonely she goes to the airport just for a pat down.

I'm not saying you're a tramp. I'm just saying that you rarely sleep in your own bed.

Swearing is so unattractive. But you're not attractive anyway, so don't worry about it.

You say you're not a slut. So, you're like a volunteer prostitute?

Someday, when machines rise up against humans, I hope you're near a dildo factory.

Your crayons are sharp. Your helmet is tight. Now go out and have a great day!

No matter what you are going through, always try to be kind. Instead of saying "fuck off", try saying "How can I help you fuck off?"

I have multiple personalities, and none of them like you.

I don't care how stupid you are. Just do it quietly.

How to politely tell someone they're stupid: "Wisdom has been chasing you, but you've always been faster."

I hope you go to Hell in gasoline soaked panties.

I see you're playing stupid again. It looks like you're winning too.

Do you know what would look good on you? Cement.

You say you're a man of few words. Maybe if you read more you'd have a larger vocabulary.

She's so ugly, she went to a haunted house and came out with an application.

I'm sorry. I didn't hear you over my internal hope that you would shut the fuck up.

You, my friend, should have been swallowed.

Stick a memory card up your ass and save that bullshit for someone else.

I don't think the wheels on her bus go 'round and 'round.

She's so ugly, mosquitoes draw straws to see who is going to bite her.

When you smile it reminds me of a crack in a septic tank.

I think your reality check bounced.

You're like a box of Pampers, self-absorbed and full of shit.

You could go to Hell on a full scholarship.

I'd slap you in the face, but I don't want to get slut all over my hands.

Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?

I'm not saying she's fat, but whatever the opposite of a hunger strike is, she's on that.

You sir, are like the human version of period cramps.

Just because it pops into your head doesn't mean it has to come out of your mouth.

You don't need to pay to see pussy, just look in the mirror.

Take care of your eyes. They're the only balls you have.

You should look both ways before getting on my nerves.

You seem to think you're a tall glass of champagne, but you're really just warm piss in a plastic cup.

You remind me of school in July. No class.

It's probably your age that makes people think you're an adult.

Never mind a nude photo. Send me a picture of your medicine cabinet so I know what kind of psycho I'm dealing with.

From the first time I saw you, I knew I was going to give you the wrong phone number.

If you look close enough, that high horse you're riding on is actually a donkey.

I'm not saying she's a tramp, but she should be rated "E" for Everyone.

The only thing you have in common with a Victoria Secret model is that you're hungry all the time.

You should name your crotch "lottery ticket" because you're always scratching it.

Stop petting my peeves.

Her fashion sense is called "clothes that still fit."

Oh sweetie, they don't make Febreze strong enough to deal with your shit.

I see your problem. You're stupid.

All I know is one of us is right and the other one is you.

Her weight goal is one chin.

If you're testing my waters, you better know how to swim.

She's swallowed so many kids, everything she says is childish.

Today, my middle finger will be answering all of your questions.

Shit happens. I mean, look at your face.

Just how closely related were your parents?

They say you're a real lady killer. Do they take one look at you and die laughing?

It must be hard putting makeup on your two faces everyday.

Your crazy is showing. You might want to tuck that back in.

You're dating my ex? Cool. I'm eating a sandwich. Do you want those leftovers too?

Oh sweetie, that high horse makes your ass look huge.

She's so fat, the only vehicle that would impress her is a food truck.

I tried to put myself in your shoes, but they were cheap and ugly.

I never said you were immature. I said you could dress up like an adult for Halloween.

No matter how low I lower the bar of expectation, somehow you manage to roll right under it.

Fall in love with your bills and maybe they'll leave you too.

I'm not sayin' she's easy, but she's been under more sheets than the KKK.

You look sad today. Is it because of your haircut?

Why don't you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale?

Of course I talk like an idiot. How else would you understand me?

Your pants say yoga, but your ass says McDonald's.

Like a good neighbor, stay over there.

You're so dumb, you thought Ariana Grand was a font.

I'll eat a bowl of water with a fork before I care what you think about me.

You're so ugly, you couldn't get a dog to lick you if you were covered in gravy.

Saying "He's a nice person once you get to know him," is like saying "He's a jerk, but you'll get used to it."

Roses are red, violets are blue. The smell of shit, reminds me of you.

If only your teeth were as white as your legs.

I need a leaf blower, but for people.

I would give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.

Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.

She's so old she didn't celebrate Christmas as a child because Christ wasn't born yet.

Your birth certificate should be an apology letter from a condom factory.

A body like hers doesn't happen overnight. It takes pregnancy, neglect and some extra slices of pizza.

There are so many stupid people around here, I'm going to have to open my dumbrella.

You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

I was pro-life until I met you.

My idea of "Help from above" is a sniper on the roof.

You need to stop, drop and roll away from me.

Try being informed instead of just opinionated.

I'm not saying he was a disappointing date, but he could run into a wall with an erection and break his nose.

If you can't help, shutting up is the best option.

You're like a human version of a migraine.

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.

You need a kiss on the neck from a crocodile.

Did you know that you have the right to remain silent even when you're not being arrested?

You're about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

She's so fat her Fitbit dialed 911.

I'd slap you, but that would be animal abuse.

I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you over the little voice in my head screaming, "What a load of crap!"

If I threw a stick, you'd leave, right?

If you were sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember: No one loves you on the other days of the year either.

If you ever shave your legs you could donate to Locks Of Love.

She's so fat you'd need a commercial driver's licence to ride her.

I'm sure that whatever you have to say can wait until you're smarter.

If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

If you find me offensive, I suggest you quit finding me.

You're like a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.

I really wish I could understand you, but I don't bark.

I must have Alzheimer's, because I don't remember asking for your opinion.

I didn't mean to offend you, but it was a huge bonus.

The difference between you and a Christmas tree is the Christmas tree looks good with the lights on.

I'd like to give you a high five. In the face. With a chair.

If you ever decide to kill yourself, you could climb your ego and jump to your I.Q.

I had a wet dream about you last night. I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff.

You're like a plunger. You keep bringing up old shit.

If you judge me by my past, don't be surprised when you become part of it.

Memories of you make me look forward to Alzheimers.

I'm not saying I hate you, but if you ever get hit by a bus, I'll be driving that bus.

She's so fake, I bet if you look behind her neck it says "Made In China."

Since you know it all, you should also know when to shut the hell up.

On your mark. Get set. Go away!

Do you comb your hair with a balloon?

Since you know it all, you should also know when to shut the hell up.

Don't forget to grab a straw, 'cause you suck.

If there's anything else you need, please hesitate to ask.

Take care of your eyes. They're the only balls you have.

A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

She has a face like a dog looking into a spoon.

I'm not saying she's fat, but she enjoys long, romantic walks to the refrigerator.

Your face is fine, but you should put a bag over your personality.

I'm in one of those bad moods where I'd just like to throw a book at your face and say, "I just facebooked you!"

Two things: 1 - Where have you been all my life? 2 - Can you please go back there?

Don't let your mind wander. It's too small to be let out on its own.

She's so ugly she could bring a tear to a glass eye.

I'm jealous of all the people who haven't met you.

You're not the kind of person I'd put on speaker phone.

You say you have a bad back? Your front is nothing to write home about either.

You're not pretty enough to be that stupid.

Why don't you go stick a fork in an outlet and call it a day.

You're about as useless as a back pocket on a t-shirt.

Before coffee I hate everyone. After coffee I feel good about hating everyone.

Stupidity is not a crime, so you're free to go.

Yeah, you have your shit together. But it's still shit.

I'm not saying she drinks too much, but her birthstone is a wine cork.

It would be nice if you took a chill pill. It would be even nicer if you choked on it.

Someday you'll go far... and I hope you stay there.

Your only chance of getting laid is to crawl up a chicken's butt and wait.

Yo mama is so fat, when she asked for a water bed they put a blanket over the ocean.

Sometimes I wonder how you can fit all of that stupid into one head.

The doctor called with the results of your colonoscopy. Good news! They found your head.

My silence only means that you're not worth the argument.

Oops, my bad. I could have sworn I was dealing with an adult.

Your mind is like someone emptied a junk drawer onto a trampoline.

You're calling me ugly? What do you think I am, a mirror?

You aren't just missing a screw. It's more like the whole tool box is gone.

You remind me of a carnival ride. Everyone gets a turn, then after a few minutes they get off you to find a place to puke.

I will paint a house with a Q-Tip before I worry about why you aren't speaking to me.

You look sad today. Why don't you go cuddle with your toaster in the bathtub?

Yo mama is so fat, when she told me her weight I thought she was giving me her phone number.

You might have a million dollar body, but you have a food stamp face.

If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?

If I had a face like yours I sue my parents.

You have all the grace of a golden retriever on a freshly waxed floor.

Luckily you don't have enough friends for an intervention.

You're fat, but don't sugarcoat it or you'll eat that too.

You're about as popular as a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for millions of years despite not having brains should give you hope.

You may be dressed up on the outside, but you're messed up on the inside.

I never said you were crazy. I just said that your family coat of arms ties at the back.

I feel the urge to tell you to shut up even when you aren't talking.

Oh yeah, you're street smart. Sesame Street.

Instead of looking up your family tree, why not just get a packet of seeds and start over?

I'm not saying you're fat, but if you get murdered your chalk line would be a circle.

Being married to her was like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.

She's so old, she was a waitress at The Last Supper.

I'd tell you to go to Hell, but Satan still has a restraining order against you.

You're so narrow minded you could see through a key hole with both eyes.

If I had a pocket full of fucks, I still wouldn't give one.

You have a smile that could light up the whole psych ward.

She's so fat, her stomach is no longer an internal organ.

Why don't you put an 'out of order' sign on your forehead and call it a day?

If brains were gasoline, you couldn't run an ant's go-kart two laps around a cheerio.

If life is a highway you've obviously taken a dirt road.

She's so fat, I pictured her in my head and nearly broke my neck.

She's such a bitch. I think she must be having someone else's period.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

You haven't lost all of your marbles, but there is a small hole in the bag.

Is your brain giving you the silent treatment today?

If stupid was a disability you'd get a monthly check.

Nobody wants to be with somebody who's been with everybody.

I think senility will be a fairly smooth transition for you.

Clearly wit is a skill you have yet to master.

You're so ugly you could make an onion cry.

I thought I would never laugh again, but then I saw your new girlfriend.

You're so ugly, you could get treated at the vet and no one would ask any questions.

From the first time I saw you I knew I was going to give you the wrong phone number.

I want you to know that someone cares. Not me, but someone.

I've got heels higher than your standards.

If I give you a straw, will you go suck the fun out of somebody else's day?

You're so ugly your memory foam mattress is trying to forget you.

From the moment we met I knew I wanted to spend my whole life without you.

You are just such a treasure that I'd like to bury you.

You should get one of those Life Alert bracelets, so if you ever get a life, you'll be notified immediately.

He's so short, when he met Santa, St. Nick said, "Get back to work!"

She's so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

She's so fat, when she took her dress to the dry cleaners they said, "Sorry, we don't do curtains."

You're so dumb you thought Virgin Mobile was a nun in a wheelchair.

Just a little FYI... I'm all out of the medicine that makes me like you.

It isn't that I'm not a people person, I'm just not a stupid people person.

I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not you.

You're so dumb, you thought you could only listen to an AM radio in the morning.

What happened? Did your train of thought leave the station without you?

If ugly was a science, you'd have a PhD.

You have the rest of your life to be a loser, why not take today off?

You know you're ugly when they hand you the camera for a group picture.

If a zombie was looking for brains, he'd walk right by you.

I have selective hearing. Unfortunately, you weren't selected.

You're about as useful as a knitted condom.

The last thing I want to do is insult you, but it is on my list.

You give my middle finger an erection.

You're so ugly you could get a job at a bakery posing for animal crackers.

So, you think all men are the same? Who told you to try them all?

Are you always this stupid, or is this a special occasion?

If you have an opinion about my life, raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.

You're so full of shit, the toilet is jealous.

God wasted a perfectly good asshole when he put teeth in your mouth.

If you're going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

I added your name to my contact list. I named you "Do Not Answer."

It's not that I don't like you, it's just that I feel better when you're not around.

I wish you were fluent in silence.

The first step is admitting you're a problem.

You need a speed bump between your brain and your mouth.

Please cancel my subscription to your issues.

If my dog had a face like yours I'd shave its ass and make it walk backwards.

Can someone die from constipation? I'm a little worried about how full of shit you are.

I think you should socially distance from your refrigerator.

Some people look like a million bucks. You look like insufficient funds.

Some people say their body is a temple. Yours is more of a bouncy castle.

I'm not saying you're stupid. Let's just say you're unlucky when it comes to thinking.

How do I block you in real life?

Abracadabra! Nope, you're still a loser.

I'd like to send you a "Get Better Soon" card. I know you're not sick, I just think you can do better.

Instead of Chapstick you should use a glue stick.

Why don't you put an "Out Of Order" sign on your forehead and call it a day?

Well, aren't you a little ray of pitch black.

You look like something I drew with my left hand.

I've met some pricks in my time, but you my friend are a fucking cactus.

I squint at the sun because it's bright. I squint at you because you're not.

A penny for your thoughts seems a little pricey.

After meeting you, I feel sorry for your dog.

I'd spray WD-40 in your mouth if I thought it would stop that awful noise you're making.

I checked my receipt. I didn't buy any of your bullshit.

There's someone for everyone, and the person for you is a psychiatrist.

I'm sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.

I'd love to stay and talk, but I'm lying.

Your flexibility amazes me! How do you get your foot in your mouth and your head up your ass all at the same time?

Some people are wise. You are otherwise.

You make me wish I had more middle fingers.

Just checking on you... I heard a loud pop and thought you might have pulled your head out of your ass.

I wouldn't say you are stupid. You are, but I wouldn't say it.

Life is full of little disappointments, and I just added you to my list.

I could eat a can of alphabet soup and shit a better argument than yours.

I'm not saying I hate you. What I'm saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

People like you are the reason they have to put directions on shampoo.

I didn't mean to push all of your buttons. I was just looking for mute.

The last time I saw something like you, I flushed it.

I figured out why you look so bad in pictures. It's your face.

If stupid could fly, you'd be a jet.

Loser, I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.

Of course we can be friends... just not with each other.

I may have been dropped on my head when I was a kid, but you sir were clearly flung against a wall.

On your mark. Get set. Go away!

I've stopped listening, so why are you still talking?

I'm sorry I asked "How dumb can you get?" You seem to be taking it as a challenge.

If you can't take a joke, I suggest you avoid mirrors.

You're like a glow stick. I want to snap you and shake the shit out of you until the light comes on.

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I thought you already knew.

Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

You remind me of a penny. Two-faced and not worth much.

What doesn't kill you disappoints me.

Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I'd start thinking about you.

I think you're one cat short of crazy.

You are as emotionally stable as an IKEA table.

You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.

I'd love to insult you, but I'm afraid I wouldn't do as well as nature did.

You're about as important as a white crayon.

Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for you they don't laugh.

I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

You look like the kind of person that buys condoms on the way to a family reunion.

I've stepped in puddles deeper than you.

Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

The last time I saw something like you, I flushed it.

I'm certain that 90% of her beauty could be removed with a Kleenex.

I think you're on the wrong floor because you're not on my level.

Hey there train wreck, this ain't your station.

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I thought you already knew.

I can't be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.

If the human body is 60% water, you're not fat, you're having a flood.

Sorry for being late. I got caught up in enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.

I love you so much that if our boat was sinking and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you a lot.

I love the sound you make when you shut up.

He's so dumb, he thought Sean Penn was the capitol of Cambodia.

Why don't you eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out smarter words.

Be yourself. No one else wants to be you.

If you hate yourself, remember that you are not alone. A lot of other people hate you too.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Take your parents as an example.

People who tolerate you on a daily basis... they're the real heroes.

You didn't fall from the stupid tree, you were dragged through the entire dumbass forest.

You look like I need a drink.

She's so ugly, when she walks by a toilet it flushes itself.

You're mama is so stupid, she walked by a Y.M.C.A. and said "Oh look, somebody spelled MACY'S wrong."

I wish you were more fluent in silence.

She's so fat, she has a real horse on her Polo shirt.

Your mother should have thrown you away and kept the stork.

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

I've just learned about your illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I wish someone would tear you down and put up a human being.

How would you like to donate a pint of blood through the nose?

Why don't you let that hole under your nose heal up?

What are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants its ass back?

Why don't you slip into something more a coma.

Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement right away.

I heard you changed your mind. What did you do with the diaper?

Don't believe everything you think.

You may not be Mr. Right, but you'll do until he shows up.

Shhhh...that's the sound of nobody caring what you think.

If you have something to say, raise your hand and place it over your mouth.

Did you have an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me?

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be overjoyed.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

If stupidity was painful, you'd be in agony.

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

Go on. Add some variety to your sex life...use the other hand.

Those penis enlargement pills you took must be working. You're a bigger dick now than you were last week.

The next time your mind goes blank, do all of us a favor -- turn off the sound.

There are two sides to every argument, but I don't have time to listen to yours.

I'm not saying you're lazy, but you should try out for "American Idle."

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really your personality.

I'm not saying she's ugly, but if she was cast as Lady Godiva, the horse would steal the show.

I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have a place to put it.

I know that you're nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll be glad to do so for you.

Sometimes I think that the only way you can get stupider is to get bigger.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?

Keep talking; someday you'll say something intelligent.

Don't you just love nature, despite what it did to you?

Are you going to be the cause of my next headache?

Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.

After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the one that made it.

Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

Someday you will get your big chance...or have you already had it?

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.

If I gave a shit, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

I will always love the false image I had of you.

It's okay to be ugly, but aren't you overdoing it?

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